


You Are Yourself

by Angsty_Eddie



Series: Young Adult Scriddler Au [2]
Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: (this is kina me projecting but it fits the au as well), Anxiety Attacks, Crying, Dysphoria, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Past Abuse, Trans Character, Trans Edward Nygma, author is trans and writes from some of their own experiences/perspectives, inplied past transphobia from edwards dad, jons an understanding psychology professor boyfriend, past emotional abuse, this is very au specific, young adult scriddler au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-20
Updated: 2017-11-20
Packaged: 2019-02-04 15:30:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12773976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angsty_Eddie/pseuds/Angsty_Eddie
Summary: It had been a long time since Edward had had an episode that was this bad and that required this much paint to calm him down. Jonathan had really though that they were past this point.Apparently, he was mistaken.This was going to be one of those times then, one that required a bit more emotional effort on Jonathan’s end.





	You Are Yourself

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, I'd be lying if I said there wasn't some self projection going on in this fic. Trans Edward is something that's important to me, and it's something that I made canon for this au specifically. All my future writings for this au will include trans Edward, even if it is not directly mentioned in a particular fic. I just thought I would let everyone know that now.  
> This fic takes place specifically after ask #3 on the ask blog for this au, which you can find here: https://ask-youngadultscriddler.tumblr.com/post/166928640509/whats-with-the-numbers-on-the-walls-0
> 
> Without further ado, enjoy your reading!  
> Comments, kudos and constructive criticism are always appreciated

“Edward,” Jonathan called, walking down the hallway towards his partners room, scanning the walls as he did so. They were covered in rows of painted numbers, most in green, but some in purple as well, since the empty cans of green paint were evidence enough that he had run out of it midway through his “episode.’ He sighed. It had been a long time since Edward had had an episode that was this bad and that required this much paint to calm him down. Jonathan had really though that they were past this point.

Apparently, he was mistaken.

He came upon the door to Edward’s bedroom, which was slightly cracked open, and entirely covered in green paint. Seems he’d started here and then moved to the walls when he had no more room to paint the door.

Raising his hand, he rapped the door slightly, being sure to respect Edward’s privacy, which he knew the man valued greatly. He heard shuffling from inside the room, but then it stopped abruptly, and silence filled the air again.

Jonathan sighed yet again. Edward never was one who liked to make anything easy for him. But, such was the nature of their relationship, and he knew that much by now that it didn’t bother him like it would have in the past.

“Edward,” he called yet again, this time softer. “I’m coming in, unless you’d like for me to leave you alone. If you do then simply say so.”

After a few moments of silence, Jonathan pushed the door open the rest of the way, only to see Edward staring up at him from the bed where he was sitting, knees drawn up to his chest and his chin resting on them.

This was going to be one of those times then, one that required a bit more emotional effort on Jonathan’s end.

Jonathan walked from the door over to the bed, and when Edward didn’t make any objection to his presence, sat down next to the smaller man. Edward didn’t move, instead opting to stay in the position that he was in, clearly bothered by something. He did however shift closer to Jonathan, until he was close enough to lean his head on the taller man’s shoulder. Jonathan took this as his cue to move in and close the space between them, Edward visibly relaxing ever so slightly when he did.

They stayed like that for a few moments, the air quiet around them. It had been a bit since Edward had reacted this badly to something, and Jonathan intended to find out what had caused him such distress that it had gotten this bad. He had to approach the subject lightly however, lest he risk upsetting his partner yet again.

Looking down at Edward, Jonathan took his free hand and placed it behind the ginger’s head, threading his hair through his fingers ever so lightly. It was something he’d learned long ago that Edward responded positively to in these kinds of situations. As if on cue, Jonathan saw the smaller man’s shoulders drop, and he relaxed more. Good. That would make it easier to talk to him.

“You know, we can’t work past this unless we talk about what happened. I know you most likely don’t want to do that, but it has to happen for me to help you.”

It was Edward that sighed this time when Jonathan said that. He was right, as always. There would be no resolution, and no feeling better if Edward was being honest, if he refused to talk about it. He shifted a bit so that he was more comfortable, leaning into Jonathan more than he already had been. The man was perpetually cold as always, but his sweater was warm, and Edward drew comfort from that.

“I thought I saw him, Jon,” he said finally, not daring to look up at his partner’s face when he spoke. He knew the kind of expression that awaited him, and he didn’t particularly want to see it. His suspicions were confirmed when he heard a surprised “Him??” come from Jonathan. Edward closed his eyes, trying not to freak out again. He wasn’t here, he couldn’t hurt him. Jonathan was here, Jonathan would protect him, he’d said so on multiple occasions. All Edward had to do was say the word and he’d be gone.

“You don’t seriously mean Him as in your father, do you,” Jonathan said, breaking him from his thoughts.

“…yes.”

It was at that one word that Jonathan went a bit stiff, and Edward knew what he was thinking immediately. As much as Edward hated his father, he was willing to bet that Jonathan may have just hated him more. It would please him quiet a bit to be rid of the man entirely if only for Edward’s sake, but he wouldn’t let that happen.

Not yet, at least. The timing wasn’t right.

“Am I to assume this was the only cause for all that paint on the wall, or was there another reason as well?”

Jonathan knew him so well sometimes it hurt. No one else ever cared to get to know Edward so well, and yet here was a man who, at the start, was merely his professor who he asked to come to coffee with him outside of class, and here they were now, three years later, Edward no longer his student, and both of them living together. As the saying goes, fate seems to work in mysterious ways. Had Edward not decided to give college a chance out of his pure intent on learning that which he did not know, he may not have ever met the man before him, the psychology professor, obsessed with fear and how it affected people, who wanted nothing more than to make Edward comfortable by killing the main source of his fears.

It was touching, in a way. It was also incredibly sad, to Edward at least, the lengths Jonathan would go to for him of all people. He still couldn’t fully wrap his mind around that fact.

“The image of him brings up terrible memories every time Jonathan. These ones just happened to be particularly strong I guess…”.

“…This wouldn’t have anything to do with your identity, would it now Edward?”

Shit.

Jonathan really did know him better than he gave him credit for somedays. Of course he couldn’t hide something like that from him. He knew too well by now what set off his dysphoria, and tried his best to avoid those things. Edward’s father happened to be a major cause of those feelings, and since Jonathan wasn’t stupid, of course he was able to put two and two together. He saw right through Edward, and he wasn’t sure why, but that stung a little, to know that someone knew his mind almost as well as he did.

He hadn’t even realized at this point that he’s started crying, he’d been too lost in his own head.

But Jonathan had, and his response to that was to pull Edward into a tight hug.

He knew that during times of distress, Edward responded best to comforting physical contact. He was a very tactile person in general, so this made perfect sense to Jonathan. However, it was something he had had to get used to, as he had grown up in an environment that was fairly contact free. It was something that was still sort of foreign to him, but he had come to understand over time what he needed to do in order to comfort Edward, and when he was crying, tighter embraces were always the best answer.

Edward responded by hugging Jonathan back, trying more or less to steady himself. God he’d been so stupid. By now this was something that shouldn’t have bothered him so much, yet no matter how hard he tried to work past it, it still did, every time without fail. His identity was something that had weighed down on him for so many years, even after he left his father behind, and even after he’d gotten surgery. He felt by now that he should have been more comfortable with himself, and there were days that he defiantly was. But, then there were days like today, where he wanted nothing more than to claw at his skin till he bled in total frustration at having to deal with any of this shit at all. Everything he had gone through in order to feel more comfortable with himself after years of trying to repress all those feelings was for him, to make him feel better, and yet somehow it always came back to his father and those around him and how they viewed him, and not how he viewed himself.

And then, there was Jonathan. Jonathan who, after finding out accidentally one day before Edward had been ready to tell him, didn’t respond in hatred and disgust like Edward had expected. Jonathan who, when Edward had ultimately ended up sobbing on the floor in their bathroom because he expected Jonathan to storm out and leave after he had basically found out Edward had been lying the whole time, did the exact opposite and sat down beside him to hug him until he stopped crying enough to properly explain himself. Jonathan who, despite not knowing much about what being transgender meant at all, still took it in stride, and took it upon himself to research and learn more about the whole thing for himself, and ultimately so that he could help Edward to feel more comfortable as himself.

Because to Jonathan, he had always just been Edward. He never once questioned who he was before he had chosen the name Edward, never once used his identity as a way to insult or degrade him, none of it. There were times he didn’t quiet understand how Edward felt because of all this, but even during those times, after Edward would calm down, he would ask as gently as he could about it in order to learn more.

Jonathan had never once acted like how Edward had expected him to, and for that he was enternally greatful , though he was often too prideful to admit this out loud. But he communicated this to Jonathan in other ways, his own ways, and made sure that he knew that he truly did appreciate all his efforts.

“You know, no matter how badly this makes you feel every time that it happens, I will always be here for you. You do know that right?”

It was then that Edward finally looked up at Jonathan, tear stains now dried on his cheeks, and an expression of mixed concern and sadness on Jonathan’s face.

“Edward, I know that his opinion of you does not help the situation at all, and I understand that anything related to him brings up those feelings associated with him every time. But trust me when I say that his opinion, no matter how utterly shitty or fucked up that it may be, is ultimately irrelevant, to say the least.”

Edward just looked up at him, trying to gauge what Jonathan was thinking. The man was hard to read in the best of times, and he was certainly hard to read now. One thing was painfully evident however, and that was just how much hatred he held for Edward’s father was showing in his expression.

“His opinion of you is irrelevant,” he stated yet again, “because he is not here. And his opinion never mattered in the first place, but again, I know how hard it is to believe that when you suffered his torment every day in the past.”

“Edward, you are yourself in every sense of the word. You always have been, and you always will be. You’ve known who you were from the start, and you saw to it that you made yourself look the way that you always felt. You took the steps to make yourself feel comfortable in your own skin, and no one can take that part of your journey away from you. Not him, not me, not anyone. For that reason alone, you should be proud of yourself.”

Edward didn’t know what to say, truly. Every time this happened, Jonathan was always there for him, without fail. He would drop everything to comfort him when he needed it, and it never ceased to amaze him just how much Jonathan truly cared about him, even if he wasn’t the best at expressing it sometimes.

“I know for a fact that I’m proud of you for everything you’ve done.”

Edward looked up again, this time a small, soft smile gracing Jonathan’s aged face. For a man only in his early thirties, he looked like he should be forty, and yet somehow this just made him even more alluring to Edward somehow. He hugged the taller man again, burying his face in the fabric of his sweater.

“..Thank you, Jonathan.”

Jonathan sighed again, but this time out of contentment. It was a rare sound to hear Edward thank him for anything, the man just wasn’t one for voicing his appreciation much, so when it was said, Jonathan knew he really meant it.

They sat there like that for a few minutes, the air no longer filled with anxiety, but an air of content that had replaced those earlier feelings. It was a nice change.

Jonathan eventually let go of Edward, opting to stand up and get off the bed, stretching as he did so. His joints ached and popped in protest, and every time it happened Edward could swear that one of Jonathan’s bones must have broken. But by now, those sounds were common for the taller man. He was used to them.

“Does hot chocolate sound good to you? I could personally go for some coffee for myself.”

Edward smiled softly, nodding at Jonathan. The man walked towards the bedroom door, signaling that he would return soon with the aforementioned drinks in hand. He really did know Edward well, didn’t he?


End file.
